Allegory
Of The
Internet Troll

Their forest was a free and open forest, spread far and wide. If there was a big river there was always a way to cross it, a fallen tree or a bridge. The mountains were accessible, and had a system of caves and tunnels underneath. Because of this, movement within the forest was unrestrained and the woodland creatures roamed freely, mingling and meeting each other in every odd place, creating a true utopia of individual freedom and community. They had a tendency of course to form sub-groups of their own, as has always happened. For instance the young foxes loved their soccer and would seek each other out to play. The deer had an eye for beauty and liked to gather in the fields to admire each other and above all be admired themselves. The badgers liked to talk nonsense in their burrows. But they all came across each other, and were exposed to the same surroundings, and as such they were engaged in a sort of continuous dialogue. Fox would tell deer would tell badger would tell hare, and frequently they would gather in large groups and tell each other the happenings of the forest. No one was really in charge of this – their forest was a self-regulating one, where everyone was free to join and free to speak.

So high was the reputation of the forest that more and more animals moved in until it was absolutely chirping and growling and bleating and howling and hooting with life. Granted, this made group meetings a bit chaotic, with everyone trying to get their voice in and speaking on every subject just because they could. In that cacophony of voices it was hard to keep track of the conversation’s course, or the origin of a thing that was said. Now that there were dozens of foxes, for instance, it was impossible to say which fox said what, especially when a comment was made in passing.

And then a new presence started interjecting itself in the forest. It came from the mountains, came down one night when a meeting was taking place in the foothills. It had been a non-mast seeding year and the wild boars were concerned about the low quantities of acorns. Then from among the group came the words YOU’RE ALL FAT ANYWAYS, and the whole place went into uproar. Everyone was looking around for the culprit but the troll had already snuck off and was watching the scene from behind the trees.

Sometimes it was innocent enough. The young foxes would be playing soccer in the clearing and the troll would run across the pitch screaming MESSI’S BETTER THAN RONALDO and no one was honestly hurt but they got into an argument and afterwards they were all upset.

When the beavers were enlarging their dam the troll hid among them and gave terrible advice to derail the operation. THAT’S NOT HOW THE CURRENT FLOWS. And when the beavers said: no, that’s how the current has always flown, he piped in with a WHO CARES THE EARTH IS FLAT ANYWAY. This led the beavers into a flat earth discussion, to which the troll replied: YOUR TEETH ARE GROSS. BARRY DROPPED THE STICK. And when the dam was finally finished no one was particularly pleased with it.

After a while, when everyone was already on edge, the troll became flat-out mean.

One day Hedgehog and Squirrel were out for a walk that was romantic in nature, when the troll jumped onto the path in front of them and said to Hedgehog: YOU’RE SO UGLY YOU DON’T DESERVE SQUIRREL. He then confronted her with a tirade of slurs before running off again into the undergrowth.
Hedgehog was stunned. I – I – she stammered.
Don’t – Don’t respond to him, whispered Squirrel, wrapping her fluffy red tail around Hedgehog in a protective manner. It’s just a troll.
But the words still hurt Hedgehog, and for the rest of the walk she was quiet and doubting herself.

The next day, Rabbit was out in the fields with the deer. She had always been jealous of their beautiful doe eyes, but the deer were kind to her and gave her all sorts of compliments, and it had done wonders for her self esteem. But now as she was sitting there in the field an unwelcome voice caught up with her from the trees: HEY. ORTHODONTISTS AREN’T THAT EXPENSIVE. BUCK TEETH.
The deer jumped up, tails peaked, scanning the treeline. Oh that’s easy, they said. Slagging off Rabbit from the safety of the woods. Bet you’re afraid to show your own face.

At the next general gathering, the main point of discussion was how to deal with the troll. Just ignore him, said Wolf. We can’t let him continue to speak like this! said the deer. Stick his nose in everyone’s business, offend everyone. It’s a consequence of the free forest, said Marter. Just block him out. He is setting a dangerous precedent, said Badger, as he waddled forward to address the crowd. He needs to know that we won’t condone violence.
ME! said the troll. EVERYONE KNOWS BADGERS ARE VIOLENT PREDATORS.
Badger whirled around. You can’t just say that about someone! he yelled.
IT’S A FREE FOREST I CAN DO WHAT I WANT! And off he went again.
It only encourages him, said Squirrel, shaking her head. It’s better if we all ignore him. Badger was shaking with anger, but with no one to direct it at, he took his anger home and sat with it, he sat with it for a whole night until his entire fur stood on end, and the next day when he went for his morning walk Racoon said to him: Badger you are entirely round! And Badger replied: YOUR MOTHER IS ENTIRELY ROUND.

It was hard for the woodland creatures to keep their cool when confronted with the troll, to counter with reason and not return the insults. And so they enlisted the help of Tawny Owl who was known for her wisdom and skillful argumentation, to keep an eye out and interfere next time the troll caused a scene.

It was summer by then, and a particularly dry one at that. Every day the forest lay sizzling in the burning heat, and the woodland creatures started warning each other to be mindful of fire hazards.
FOREST FIRES ARE A HOAX, said the troll to everyone who would listen.
Tawny Owl swooped down to talk some sense into him: Forest fires are a risk especially during times of severe drought like this one –
I’VE NEVER SEEN ONE. HOAX.
– hopefully if we continue to be mindful we won’t see one, but everyone needs to take this threat very seriously or else –
JUST BECAUSE THERE’S SOME DRY STICKS LYING AROUND DOESN’T MEAN THERE WILL BE A FIRE.
It went on like this for a little while, until the troll appealed to his freedom of speech and accused Tawny Owl of censorship. She by then had had her buttons pushed to the absolute maximum and sat on a low branch flapping her wings. You are a danger to our community! she cried. YOU ARE A FASCIST, replied the troll. I WILL FIND YOUR NEST AND SMASH YOUR EGGS. Well hoot, said Tawny Owl, and flapped her wings twice more. Then she soared down from her branch with her talons out and attacked.

And so from a discourse of reason the forest moved to a discourse of abuse, calling each other every name in the book and worse, while around them half the forest burned down.